just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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