my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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