Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
