just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
