all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Congratulations! We have a period
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