Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
