Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
