i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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