I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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