CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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