a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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