Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
vagina is talking i cant
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
