What a fucking waste of an outfit
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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