Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
