Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
