Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
