I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Congratulations! We have a period
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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