i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
