just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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