thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
