my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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