I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Sorry about my life...
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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