there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
