i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
