I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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