who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
