turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
