it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Randomize
