I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
