so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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