Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
