If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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