i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
