over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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