you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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