For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
