my phone needs a breathalizer
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
