Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
