My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
