Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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