i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
