Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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