thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
