He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
