why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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