1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
don't judge my taste in strippers
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
