yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
