so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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