My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
