is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
