Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
